So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
