Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
false alarm. still invincible.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
