This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
