Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
