don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize