Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My breasts were aching with rage.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Randomize
