There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
