he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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