Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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