Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
