Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
