I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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