Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
