my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
