If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Even the bartender felt bad for me
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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