There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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