i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize