I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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