i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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