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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize