I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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