i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
