I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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