I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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