No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
