I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
