Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
