If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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