My cat gives me a boner
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
