Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Randomize
