You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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