lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize