We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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