tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
