after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Every concussion has its silver lining
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
