you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
