Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
