I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
