Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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