I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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