Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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