The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
