I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize