Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
