i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
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