I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
