Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
