I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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