I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
