Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
