Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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