I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
