he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Randomize
