I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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