Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
