hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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