She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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