I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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