Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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