I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
