someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
