pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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