I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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