Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
