My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
