She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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