Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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