drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
