ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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