I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
